Little Miss Lazy Bum

Friday, January 19, 2007

tmr would have been our one year anniversary.

we met on the 3rd of Jan 2006.. i remember so clearly cuz it was the first day of work at Billy Bombers.. already working in a new environment is very scary.. what was more intimidating were the people.. when i was introduced to all the staff there.. there was this ah beng cook at the runner station with his leg propped on a shelf and his elbow resting on his knee.. when Amy introduced me he gave the typical ah beng response..

we had supper after work at Macs on the 5th of Jan all of us... and he sat beside me.. he ate so many packets of curry sauce.. haha.. he had the beef fan-tastic.. which i took a bite of.. had to leave early so off i went.. then suddenly there was a msg from some unknown number.. it was Adrain.. nope.. not AdrIAn it was AdrAIn.. hahaa.. one drain. a drain. haha.. i honestly believed him when he said that that was the way he spelt his name it was on his punch card.. ha. hm. guillible.. from then.. we started talking on the phone quite often.. if i'm not wrong on that night itself we started talking already.. i was intrigued by this guy.. i was.. so beng yet so innocent.. haha..

Jan 7, 2006 we had our first date.. as friend friend kinda date.. we went to watch a chinese movie about shun wu kong.. hahaa.. so weird right.. we watched at suntec.. i still remember.. our first date.. awkward.. we went to marina square to have lunch.. i still remember what he ate.. he had claypot rice.. while i just had desert.. i still remember how it felt.. really.. i honestly do..

two weeks later.. on 20th of Jan he came over to my house to watch a movie.. and that's when we became a couple.. =) monkey and crocodile cuz i was fierce.. i know.. childish right? but it was sweet.. oh. and he brought mr zhou jie lun baby along.. haha..

that's the first pic i took of him.. he has this hairdo where he had a multi-coloured tail.. beng right? but cute..

one year later.. here we are.. broken.. throughout this year we have been saying.. next year we can do this and we can do that.. like oh .. next year we can get tickets to the ching gay parade and we won't have to join the crowds.. or.. next holiday we can go hang out after work again.. time will fly by.. again we'll be here gazing at the stars..

indeed, time flew by.. but no longer will we be able to gaze at the stars together, neither will we be able to go to the zoo again on valentines day.. or will we be able to sit the new cable car to sentosa.. no longer will i feel your soft face pressed against mine.. neither will i feel your soft lips on mine..

it hurts. reality hurts. one year. my first true love. gone.

i miss agreeing that we must "he mu gong chu" and then start pinching each other 5 seconds later..

i miss squabbling with you about who is more immature.. how old are you already? tsk. still so childish.

i miss how i can't see your eyes when you laugh.. they become literally like this.. ^^..

i miss playing "qing wa tiao" and you claiming that it is a practice round when you lose..

i miss biting you when we kiss. heck. i still remember our first kiss..

i miss hearing you call me mushy nick names..

i miss how you give me answers that i wanna hear..

i miss that you know what i wanna hear.. mmm.. tao yan.. *combs hair and acts shy.. *

i miss holding out my hand and counting to three waiting for you to hold it.. one, two......three.. i say please already ar........

i miss how we always meet at the same spot at Tamp MRT.. i have been back.. i sat for half an hour just to sit and wonder if you'll come..

honestly, politely, sincerely, amazing. ridiculous! you come to school to study! are some of your favorite phrases.. although lame.. but nevertheless cute.

i miss how although we say we won't celebrate our monthly "anniveraries" we never forget them.. every month we'll say happy birthday instead of happy anniversary...

so baby, for the last time.. happy birthday.. one year together has really taught me a lot about myself.. i have come to realise how much i can love another person... and how much i can compromise for another person.. for the first time in my life i loved a man unconditionally.. i have fallen so deep into love that i lost the ability to be on my own.. as it has been you that i've been relying on for the past year.. i love you, i really do.

and it hurts so bad. so please..take this pain away.. i said please already... please?

9:22 PM

Thursday, January 18, 2007

but i just can't feel it right now...
i thought that i was doing well, but i just wanna cry now...

crying in the rain.. its theraputic.

got caught in the stupid rain today on my way home.

warm tears getting washed away by the cold rain..

somehow i feel slightly better.

swimming is also theraputic.. i swam 6 laps today.. one lap is back and forth.. quite good since i haven't swam since................................................................. eh... last sem?

some chee koh ah pek talked to me in the pool.. kinda scary.. quickily swam off.. just in case..

went shopping with my darling Nana.. looking for CNY clothes.. i saw a pair of white skinny jeans from Mango.. should i get?? Nana said it looks nice.. so does my cousin.. haha.. should i get????? kinda like a green top that i saw too..

sigh.

broke. obese. and heartbroken.

not too good.

formals tmr again. sigh.

as for the smoking. well. sigh. i have not much to say for myself. i really don't.. no explanation.. no excuse. i don't know why either.

10:24 PM

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

life.. just sucks so bad at the moment.. its surprising i'm still alive..

i'm just so frustrated..
frustrated that i'm frustrated..
frustrated that i still think of him..
frustrated that i still miss him..
frustrated that i still love him..
frustrated that i can't pass one freaking hour of my day not thinking about him..
frustrated that i'm obese..
frustrated that i'm frustrated..
frustrated that i'm still in denial..

frustrated.

frustrated that i've started smoking.
frustrated that i'm doing something i swore i wouldn't do.
frustrated that i'm on this never ending road of self destruction.
frustrated cuz i don't know why i'm doing this to myself..

somehow i feel like rebeling.. i don't know why.. this sudden urge to get drunk and smoke till the dragons come find me.. then pass out and enter Nana's land of unicorns, bears and rainbows...... or just willy wonka's factory...

i miss him. i miss us.

this is torturous. kinda like going on a rollercoaster.. everything is moving so fast. sometimes you are aware of what you are doing.. other times.. you just go through the motions. you just wanna get off cuz you feel like puking already. but no. the ride isn't over...

i should become bulimic. i couldn't even stick to a 400 cal diet. damn. i won't even count how many cals i ate today.. neither will i count how much money i spent today.. cuz i will hyperventilate and faint.

10:48 PM

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

life sucks.

was supposed to be on the 2,4,6,8 diet whereby you rotate the amount of calories you take to fool your metabolism and in turn lose weight.. but guess what?!

AAAAAAAAAHhhhhhhhhh........

i didn't have 200 cals, 400 cals, 600 cals or 800 cals today.. i had a FREAKING 1037 CALS CAN?!?!!?!?! sigh.

its 400 cals tmr.. and i better stick to it.. i'll just pretend i had 200 cals today. in denial...

sigh. food and break up is a really bad combo.. its lethal.

i miss him so much and it really sucks... especially on long bus rides... i miss having someone to lean on.. i miss laying my head on his lap on the long bus ride to orchard.. i miss feeling protected like that.. i miss the comforting smell of his cologne.. i miss his hands.. i miss that mischievious grin.. i miss his bushy eyebrows.. sigh..

~~i miss him so much i just wanna die...~~

sigh. wore this for formal today.. (sigh.. wearing formal twice a week really sucks.. cuz i run out of things to wear..... =S) nana said i looked like a naughty secretary.. hahahahahahaaaa........

naughty secretary?

stockings are sexy no?

whoopsie! dropped something..........

camwhoring session......

love my collar bone..

i don't know why i'm on this road of self-destruction... missing you has made me go insane..

some prozac please............

9:25 PM

Monday, January 15, 2007

this is momo's story.. poor piggy.. in a single parent family... cuz his stupid father had to cheat on his mother.. so now he only has his mother to depend on.. but that's alright.. cuz mummy loves you momo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =)

My name is Momo.. Im mummy's darling!

Mummy loves me loads!

maybe cuz i'm cute?? *blush blush*

i sleep with mummy every night..

the only problem? mummy drools!

mummy: momo! you say some more i'll tickle you ar!!

momo: ok la.. don't say your unglam moments le lah...

good boy! mummy give you a big kiss!

and a big hug!

bleah.. shy le lah.....

haha.. isn't momo cute? that's my son!!!

i know.. i'm going crazy..

but honestly.. who doesn't talk to their soft toys lor?! i'm sure some of you name your soft toys too right?

sigh.

i can't let go..

i miss him..

it hurts..

usually when i'm hurting..

i'll run to him for comfort..

but i know now he won't be there......

~~i want him back...~~

9:41 PM

Sunday, January 14, 2007

i'm just tired of living.. again.. life is just so difficult.

i fear sleeping at night cuz i just might dream of him again.. (which i have done quite regularly the past week..)
i fear waking cuz then reality will hit me once again..

i fear handing up my stupid photography work cuz i know that i didn't put much heart into my work cuz i was busy thinking of something else...

i fear bumping into him cuz i would feel like running into those familiar arms, smelling that familiar scent and landing my lips on his for just one last time..

or even just his back..i wouldn't mind hugging once again.. a plant a kiss on his shoulder like i used to...

i just want to rot.. for just a while more.. so my dear friends.. just for a few more days... don't try pulling me up from this rut.. just for a few more days... let me be all emo and miss him..

cuz i've gone past anger.. now.. it just hurts.. a dull, unrelenting pain that hasn't decided to leave me yet.. every day passes in a blur and i seriously do not know what i am doing with my life..

slow down. let me catch my breath.. let me finish feeling all the pain... let me mourn..

10:06 PM