i'm just so frustrated..
frustrated that i'm frustrated..
frustrated that i still think of him..
frustrated that i still miss him..
frustrated that i still love him..
frustrated that i can't pass one freaking hour of my day not thinking about him..
frustrated that i'm obese..
frustrated that i'm frustrated..
frustrated that i'm still in denial..

frustrated.

frustrated that i've started smoking.
frustrated that i'm doing something i swore i wouldn't do.
frustrated that i'm on this never ending road of self destruction.
frustrated cuz i don't know why i'm doing this to myself..

somehow i feel like rebeling.. i don't know why.. this sudden urge to get drunk and smoke till the dragons come find me.. then pass out and enter Nana's land of unicorns, bears and rainbows...... or just willy wonka's factory...

i miss him. i miss us.

this is torturous. kinda like going on a rollercoaster.. everything is moving so fast. sometimes you are aware of what you are doing.. other times.. you just go through the motions. you just wanna get off cuz you feel like puking already. but no. the ride isn't over...

i should become bulimic. i couldn't even stick to a 400 cal diet. damn. i won't even count how many cals i ate today.. neither will i count how much money i spent today.. cuz i will hyperventilate and faint.